The Atlantic recently published this article by Emily Esfahani Smith, on what exactly kindness looks like in a long-term relationship, and what correlation it has to the relationship’s long-term viability. Not surprisingly, the kinder couples are to each other (and I bet this applies in friendships too), the more likely they are to stay together.
What’s especially interesting, though, is the particular, detailed ways the studies (on which the article draws) describe kindness. The article describes several specific kinds: one is responding to bids for emotional connection (“Look at that bird, honey!”) positively (rather than ignoring or dismissing them). Another is not locking ourselves into negative interpretations of other people’s behavior (i.e., assuming someone was late because she didn’t respect my time and being in a rotten mood when she arrived, when in fact she stopped on the way to get me a gift). Another is responding to the other person’s good news in what is called an “active constructive” way — by joining in, asking questions, being engaged and celebratory — rather than by ignoring the news, finding problems with it, or being half-hearted.
The article also mentions that in healthy relationships, conflict is done kindly rather than meanly (this has to do with not locking in on negative interpretations).
One thing I wish the article had said, though, is that in order to do conflict kindly you have to do it on purpose. It is nearly impossible to be kind in a conflict if the conflict arose because something has been bothering me, and bothering me, but I haven’t felt free to say anything, and finally I just can’t take it anymore. At that point, so many negative interpretations have locked in, and I am so hurt, that even imagining the other person may not have meant to hurt me is beyond my capacity. I’m not in it for resolution anymore, or reconciliation; I’m in it for revenge, to return the hurt. One key in loves of all kinds (romance, friendship, family) is to go to the fight with your eyes and heart and hands open, rather than waiting till the fight finds you with your eyes throwing flames, your fists balled, and your heart hiding out in a motel in the next county.
[Thank you, Apricot, for sending this.]